What is "me" time????

I am Nolan's primary caregiver. We are together almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There are no days off, no paychecks, lunch is 5 minutes or less and usually requires eating leftovers or half eaten scraps I cannot bear to throw away. 

Every day I get up when my boss wakes up, color pictures and play with trucks upon demand. I fold laundry, I make beds, am on call for 100% of the middle of the night trips to soothe a crying baby. I clean high chairs, cook meals, scrub behind ears and kiss boo boos. I do everything for my child but hardly anything for me. 

I have forgotten what it is like to think about myself for more than a few hours a day.

Make no mistake about it, I didn't expect to go back to the life I was living before I was pregnant. I was a 24 year old party girl who did NOT expect to be a mother for many, many years. I liked to go out and drink or stay in to smoke, I liked making detours to buy new rompers, I liked taking spur of the moment vacations to Vegas, I liked being selfish, it was way easier than being responsible. 

Here is 21 year old Shelley, dancing on a table. Pulled this from a facebook album titled "please don't give me tequila." 

While I knew I wasn't going to be little miss social anymore, I didn't expect to give birth to an entirely new identity. No one tells you or prepares you for that. How can they?

I had no idea who this new woman was.  I was in one word, overwhelmed. 

Overwhelmed with joy, with work, with love, with pain (( breast feeding hurts )), with sorrow, with anxiety. I was getting to know two new people, the new baby and the new me. 

The new me with the new mini-me

This new woman was (( and still is )) strong.  She is happy, selfless and proud. She is a mother and sometimes a father, who laughs at the old times but can't wait for the new. 

She is a woman who needs to remember to take long showers, to call old friends, to pick up yoga again and finish her college degree.

I may not know what this woman is going to do in the future but I can guarantee she will lay her life down for the one she created with the hope of a hug when he is a teenager and expect his respect when he is an adult.

 I won't tell him about all of the times I stayed up, alone, worrying about the future. I will teach him to be the man who doesn't let the mother of his child wait up and worry. I will teach him to work hard for the money, say please and thank you, kill with kindness, laugh, cry and love. 

 I will raise a son who respects women, takes care of his family (old and new), loves his planet and appreciates his life.  This new identity HE created for ME is the greatest person I have ever known. Motherhood has made me the best version of myself. So thank you Nolan. Thank you for finding your way into my life and introducing me to a forever love I never thought I would never know.