Mommy Mitosis: I'm going to be a better mother

Sometimes I get bogged down by expectations, most of which are unrealistic.

A nuclear family, a couple with dependent children forming the social norm. Everyone shows it: advertisements, television, textbooks, social guidelines....

You even know the rhyme-- first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby with a baby carriage.

The thing is though, we can't all have that, most of us don't.

Is it just me or do we not hear about the "most of us" often enough?

I'm not married. First came love, then came baby, then came drama and a nasty break up. Then came baby carriage which just so happened to be parked inside my parent's garage where I had relocated myself and the rest of my hoard.

Instead of a husband going to Home Depot with me to pick out a color to paint the nursery walls, it was my parents who weighed in (( herbal garden is what we chose )), they are the people who gave up a bedroom to accommodate their new resident and new, impending, small roommate. Instead of a brief cameo at the baby-shower, I had to explain why the former boyfriend wasn't in the picture, speculating as to why he decided the responsibility of fatherhood was too great.

Instead of having an intimate moment with the father of my child at his birth, I had my entire family (( best friend included )) cheering me on while I went through almost 24 hours of labor and they held my hand, wiped my tears while my newborn was whisked away to the NICU in a moment of emergency. Instead of the textbook nuclear family, I had the one on steroids.

And you know what?? I couldn't have asked for more.

My family was able to be there, closer than anyone else during my pregnancy and into my son's infancy. We were able to raise him as a unit, as a community. While I was living with my parents they were able to forge a bond with my son that few grandparents are able to. Instead of living across the country, we lived up stairs. Nolan would prefer to be in the company of his Nana and Papa than he would be, and I'm totally okay with that. They know my little monster almost as well as I do, and that is really saying something.

I might not have the three bedroom ranch-style house with an added den house and white picket fence that I had expected, but I still have something truly great; I have a family and close friends who I know would lay down their lives for my son and his well being. I have a big clan to laugh with, to cry with, to share memories with.

It was a long, hard road. I'd be lying of I said that my pregnancy was easy. I think most of us mothers would agree that the first time around, pregnancy is scary as hell. The IDEA of a human being living inside your body is terrifying. The expectations and assumptions are terrifying.

"Oh, you and your husband must be so excited!!"

I got that a lot. I'd just lie through my smile and say yes. I didn't want to let perfect strangers down. How annoying is that? I didn't want them to judge me for being a single mother. I lied to make myself feel better about my shitty situation. I lied for other people.

With all of that junk in the past I made a decision;

I'm going to be a better mother than I ever expected because I have GREAT expectations for myself. The responsibility of being a parent isn't going to scare me anymore, it is going to excite me.

I don't give a shit about how weird people think it is to breastfeed your baby after 12 months, he's my kid, not yours. I don't care being labeled as a granola mom who coddles her kid with attention and (( GASP )) doesn't feed him meat. I scoff at the assumptions strangers have about my life, brush off pity and move on a little more bad-ass than I was before.

The judgement, the pity, the assumptions and expectations are going to propel me to new heights.

Forget the haters, cuz somebody loves ya.