What have I gotten myself into?

Last night was rough. 

I have a major baby hangover. It's so bad I couldn't even finish my lunch.

I don't always eat gourmet, but when I do I choose PB&J

 It all started at midnight with wild shreiks bellowing from the monitor. My first reaction was of course instant panick 

He fell out of his crib. Someone is trying to snatch him. The boogy man is real and has emerged from the closet.

This is literally what goes through my mind. 

By 6am we (baby and I) had been up five times. I always revert back to "it must be his teeth" ... he only has four at almost fifteen months and his gums have been permanently bumpy since his first one forced itself through. That coupled with his bull dog drool and constant insistence on carrying his toothbrush to gnaw on like an angry beaver is the reason I have six layers of bags under my eyes today. 

I'm so tired.

And days today I ask myself, what have I gotten myself into?? Was I ready for this??

Nolan wasn't planned ((sorry bud, it's true)). His dad and I aren't married and weren't even together when I had him. We had been dating for 2 years but had a rough falling out. I had planned on being a single, working mom alone with my newborn. I asked myself all the time when I was pregnant if it was fair to bring a child into the world knowing his dad wouldn't be around to see him grow up. I asked myself if not having a college degree would hinder his chances of becoming a successful graduate in the future. I asked myself, can I even do this on my own?

I'm not ashamed for questioning my choices, not then, not now.

The fact of the matter is, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. No one does when kids are involved. Maybe the "holier than thou" parents say do but they're lying. No one does.  

What I do know is that after a night of no sleep, a day of head butting, throwing himself on the ground crying and hair pulling, when I put that little boy to bed EVERY night I miss him. I look through pictures on my phone, listen to videos to hear his sweet little voice. I love that kid more than I love myself and I always will.

Some parents lose their children, some people aren't able to have one at all. I consider myself and Nolan two of the luckiest people on the planet to have met, known and loved one another and I will stick by that kid through thick and thin. 

I'll love him when he goes to his first day of school (( and cry )), I'll love him when he slams his bedroom door in my face, I'll love him when he waves good bye through the car window with his prom date (( and furiously Google who his date is and what her intentions are with my angel of a son)), I'll love him with every breath of my being until I take my last, and even then, if there is an afterlife, I'll love him even more wherever that might be.

I didn't know what I was getting myself into, I still don't. But I'm trying to figure that part out while trying to be the best mother, teacher, partner, friend, companion, daughter, student and toddler punching bag that I can be. That is a choice I can happily live with.

Go Cardinals! He seemed to say.