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Saturday, May 3, 2014

I'm not mad, just disappointed.




It's 2006 and you've snuck out of the house at midnight.

I think it's safe to say you're NOT going to a late night study group. 

You've taken out the car, had too much fun and are now faced with the age-old parent dressed in the bathrobe, dis-shoveled from exhaustion and worry standing across the garage from you as you pull in at, say, 2am.

Shit.

After a speech that includes words like "worried sick," "irresponsible," and any arrangement of *$!#'s you're left with the zinger.

"I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed"

OUCH.

You might act like it doesn't sting, but eventually the words will settle down in your not-quite-developed pre frontal cortex, pop open a diet coke and stay a while...marinating in your every day life, haunting you in your dreams.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of a dramatic personification of the phrase, but you get it. You little rebel.

As I have strode through life, I have noticed that I have become less mad at people and more disappointed. ((you were right again, MOM)) I have found that I am more disappointed in MYSELF than mad when it comes to parenting and trying to function with the early onset dementia my child has eagerly introduced me to.

I find myself disappointed in my friends without kids who bail on plans for really no reason at all. I had some fellow mommies send me a video that can be seen HERE that is a perfect representation of the frustration, time, and planning that goes into catching up with people who aren't really in your life in the first place.

I am disappointed in people who are supposed to play a major role in my son's life but have put themselves on the sidelines to watch me juggle mom, coach, chef, student, employee and friend alone. With no help and no assistance.

I am disappointed in MYSELF when I lose my cool over terrible two tantrums that seem to plague my every day life. I snap and feel mean or cold. I don't like it when that happens but as a good friend pointed out to me, being a parent with sole custody of a child isn't the easiest thing in the world. 




All in all, I think it is easier to be mad. We can pick and choose our battles but the fights we are confronted with, the ones we don't want to deal with always end in disappointment. Anger is easy. You yell, cry, scream and it's over. You might hold on to negative feelings for a while but soon it fades. Disappointment, especially in yourself is toxic as hell. It seeps into your inner fibers, ferments and spreads through the bloodstream like an infectious disease. 

Next time I feel the fire ignited inside I will simply push it aside. Some fights are best left alone. The house can stay dirty, the phone might not ring, people might come and go and this is all okay because this is what life is about. Learning about who matters, what drives us and when we can rise above the madness and just be ourselves, disappointment and all.

1 comment:

  1. Learning to let go of regret/anger/disappointment is so hard and so important! (And honestly I don't know how people hold it together through daily tantrums!) Wishing you luck as you try to move toward acceptance ❤.

    xx
    Emily

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