Happy pills.

Have you ever loved someone so much just the thought of them makes you want to well up all sappy-sue and cry?

Your heart is squeezed so tight at the thought of their smile lines you feel in the depths of your humanity that it will explode at any moment.

I feel that every day.

(( e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y ))

As a single parent it's hard to imagine loving anyone as much as you love your child. How is there room for anyone else? I'd love to know how married couples or couples happily co-parenting just short of marriage do it, they must feel like their hearts are outside their bodies all the time...ready to just POP

We love a lot of things in our lives before we love our kids. 

We love parties, we love drugs, we love staying up late and sleeping in till noon... We love to sit on our couch all day with a hangover, watching three seasons of LOST because we can. We love to go on spur of the moment trips to see the Grand Canyon or travel across the globe to taste traditional Indian food. We do things selfishly because we can. There is nothing else holding us back from packing a bag and moving on just as quickly as we came. 

And then the baby comes, and life starts to slow down. You are bound to a small, needy creature who asks for all of your time, all of your money and all of your energy. He cries because he wants to be touched, he stares deeply into your eyes because you are his first love, his best love. Now we can't go out and party, or we can but we shouldn't, not yet. Boxes of diapers replace that free floating cash you stored away for an eighth of weed and sleeping until noon becomes a running joke between you and your mom friends. 

(( because that's what dads do....har har har))

Now we stay up late watching trashy reality TV because it doesn't require a lot of brainpower or thought and for once you are actually sitting down... so pat yourself on the back for that one. 

And then one day it happens. Your baby is now almost two and would prefer to be at Nana and Papa's house eating cookies and watching Thomas the Train. You are free to go about your evening, no longer bound by the creature you covet so, if only for one night. You dance, you sing, you drink too much and it is GREAT. But still, at the end of that night that tiny creature is the last thing you think about before you fall asleep and the first thing in your mind when you wake up. 

 

I can't think my son enough for coming into my life. I can't thank him enough for being the greatest star in my sky. I hope that at the end of the day I make him proud. I hope that I can rise above the anxiety and mess that sometimes surrounds our lives and be thankful that at least we had each other. It isn't easy to guess where we might be tomorrow or the next day or the next, but I have the most amazing partner, friend, child, companion to go through it all with. 

((Now take a nap, mommy is tired))